Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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