I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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