Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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