I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
