so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
