i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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