Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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