All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
