Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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