yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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