WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
