Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
