she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
