I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i will never coherently bang her
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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