I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Drunk is not a location!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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