My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
