God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
