I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
