I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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