I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize