Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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