You can't special order awesome
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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