how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
