and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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