Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
