i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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