I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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