sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Of course I have a pirate flag
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
