Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
