there's paper in my vomit.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
