It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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