final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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