i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
