When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
