I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize