my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
