I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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