There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
