i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
