I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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