Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
