I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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