Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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