Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
