I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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