I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I supernannyed him into submission
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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