maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
