Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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