Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
