I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
