I faked an abortion last night.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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