he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
