You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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