Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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