the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
