The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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