We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
